About Me

My Self Summary, No Awards for Brevity:

I have sex with your mom. I have never had a bloody anus. It’s because of men like you that women fuck guys like me.

Edit: Thanks to all the people who wrote me congratulating me on my lack of a bloody anus. It’s been a hard road to travel, but here’s to another three decades. Cheers.

Edit2: No, it doesn’t matter if your mom is dead. I’m being insensitive to weed out people who might otherwise misunderstand me and assume I’m a polite wallflower. Back off, bitch.

Edit3: (Edit4: Removed Edit3. I’m a pretentious asshole, but you should find that out by talking to me so you can find out I’m fun and charming too.)

If you’re one of those people who are just now wandering onto my page, please take your pants off and smile for the camera.

What I’m Doing With My Life:

Waiting for the mothership. Knock it out for me, Bootsy.

Working hard to subvert the system from within, by callously using the very tools I despise to correct the injustices inherent in our social contracts.

I paint, digitally and in oils. I write, because communication is the way you change the world fundamentally. I make up long playlists that I hardly ever have time to listen all the way through, and forget to save them. I’m often online, because Google has become a third of my brain. I worry about that, except when I realize that if it hasn’t become a third of someone else’s brain they’re much, much stupider than I am.

Possibilities of Excellence, Activities Which I Perform with Proficiency:

Cholera.

I’m also pretty good at peeing, because I’ve been doing it a long time.

I’m not any good at riding horses, cuddling with fluffy cats (because they make my eyes swell and water and my throat close up unless I take enough allergy medication to render me unconscious), not pissing off people who are easily offended by foul language when I’ve got no good reason to not use it, not laughing at Robot Chicken, putting up with religious idiots, putting up with non-religious idiots, putting up with other sorts of people that annoy me, laughing at your jokes that aren’t funny, telling lies designed to make people feel good instead of make people laugh, playing sports, being a good loser, believing that things will “be OK” when they probably won’t, flying kites, talking to people about the things that really bother me instead of the things that I know they’d understand, snow, and coming up with the last things I’m not good at.

Possibly Useful Bits of Information, What You Might Notice:

Six shots of anything makes me beautiful. People often say I look unhappy. I’m unhappy when people are looking at me and wondering if I am unhappy, because it often means they’re not listening attentively to everything I say. No one else is responsible for my happiness except me, however I’m responsible for making certain people listen to me. Don’t make my job harder, pay attention.

Also, a lot of people who meet me online expect me to be a loudmouth, incredibly crass ass in person. I’m only an opinionated jerk when you get to know me or I’m not bothering to care because you’re all just ghosts behind the electron screens.

I apologize to those of you out there whose first thing you noticed about me was “That man is not wearing pants.” You know who you are, and it’s ok – if you ask nicely I will show what’s good in the world again. Say please.

Edit: All people look alike. It’s the two legs and two arms and lack of a clearly identifying color code for our rear ends that’s probably confusing.

Favorites, Rubber Duckies to Plastic Pants:

I want to own a pet monkey one day – a pet monkey with a radioactive brain. That would rock. Then you could prove your loyalty to me by having sex with it.

Authors: SM Stirling, Harry Turtledove, Poul Anderson, Robert Heinlein, Lois MaMaster Bujold, CJ Cherryh, John Keegan, Dan Simmons, Eric Flint, Lawrence Watt-Evans, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, anything not written by John Ringo.

Other Books: Various history books (mostly pre-19th century), books on graphics, law books, and philosophy texts.

Music: I like just about everything, but recently I’ve had a real hard-on for Aimee Mann. I also like Lyle Lovett, which apparently makes many people upset for some reason, and The Pixies because they’re the greatest band that ever was and ever will be. Oh yes, and sometimes I can spend HOURS listening to cheesy lounge music. It helps me prolong my creative highs. I don’t know what’s in Girl from Ipanema, but it’s good for me.

Food: I like spicy food. I don’t mind just about any food as long as it’s ably prepared and if it has more than four legs I prefer it to be dead before I put it in my mouth. I’m still looking for a source of dried pickled cuttlefish in Florida, it’s like lovely sperm for straight guys in your mouth.

Edit: Sorry guys, just because I mentioned sperm on my page doesn’t mean I’m conflicted or going to suck you off. Seriously, cuttlefish is salty and kind of rank – that’s the only reason it immediately came to mind. I’m down with homosexuals on the general principle that less men looking for women can’t be a bad thing statistically for my dating chances, but that’s not an invitation to get into dudes. It would never work out, Rent was one of the worst experiences in my life.

I Spend My Time Thinking About:

Myself, I’m such a beautiful person. The Three Stooges. The social needs of society versus the rights of individuals. How much better than the rest of the world I am, and what a pathetic statement that is on mankind. Arrogance, does it make me better or does it make me a dick despite my many virtues? Lies. Truths. Extreme sports. Extreme sports drinks. Chihuahuas: Are they tastier than they are annoying? Failure. Burt Reynolds. Creative writing. Why are my nipples the hairiest part of my chest? If I shave my balls, does that make my dick look bigger or does it make me look like a guy with a small dick shaving his balls to make his dick look bigger? What happened to Christian Slater? Beef and the many ways to prepare it. Why do I piss some people off, and sucker others into thinking I’m an innocent, pure snowflake with a dirty mouth?

On A Typical Saturday Night You Can Find Me:

Hiding the body.

War, What is it Good For? Why You Should Read My Bloody Blog:

You are willing to have sex with animals for my amusement. That doesn’t do anything for me really, but I think it’s a good first step in establishing how much you want me to notice you. The picture of you slurping your Doberman is probably repulsive, but at least I’m very likely to reply to you to tell you so.

Edit1: You’ve taken everything said here with a grain of salt, because I could say the absolute truth and it would be boring as hell most of the time. Except for the shitting on my ex-brother-in-law part, that really happened.

Edit2: You have no flaws, and want me to point them out for you. Yes, I edited away the story about shitting on my ex-brother-in-law. Have sex with a monkey for me and I’ll consider sharing it.

Edit3: You’re from somewhere I’ve never heard of, or from someplace I can make fun of for having a funny name. If you’re into clown porn.

Edit4: Please don’t send me clown porn. I take it back.

Edit5: On the other hand, I find naked midgets fascinating.

Edit6: Unless they want me to pee on them.

Edit7: You should also message me if you do not love fun. Everyone seems to think they like fun, they’re an interesting but imperfect snowflake, and some seriously deranged females are out there that have bought that guys are more interested in their eyes than their tits and ass. Fuck that, I’m looking for the one percenters. That’s not a word, but I think it’s the only way to adequately summarize, with some bullshit made-up word. You can thank the public school system.

Edit8: If you think I’m crass and too off-beat for you then you’re almost certainly correct. On the other hand, if you really believe that my life is all clown porn and circuses every day you’re sadly mistaken. Three days out of the week is plenty, because a guy has to sleep sometimes.

Edit9: War is good for killing people. That’s all. If you want people to like you then send them fucking flowers.
Published on December 18, 2006 at 12:43 pm  Leave a Comment  
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